27 November 2011

Gratitude & Mercy

I couldn't be more thankful for what this year has brought to me - more life changing events than I ever really comprehend. Everything seems to be going well in my own little family - Mommy, Daddy, and the love of my life, Logan. My immediate family (parents, siblings, etc.) have shown me a side that I've never seen, nor expected in all of my 25 years. While I am so ever thankful for them, I couldn't be more disappointed.

My mother is a "functioning" alcoholic. I use that term lightly because that's bullshit (pardon my French). Addiction is addiction and addiction is an excuse. The poor mans excuse in life.
My sister is one lost soul, and I've learned the hard way in life, the same way she is, & I chose not to be around that, because I know the outcome, & I'll pass on living that life again. My brother, also. He's on a more destructive path than my sister I would say, but we'll see.

I feel like I was lied to by the only people I ever trusted. I left my American Dream life for them, & most of the time I just feel like I want to go "home". Home as in there, not here.
I could get my dream job back if I return sooner than 2 years and although my family won't be around, I don't feel like they already really are. Everybody's too interested in their diseases and addictions and obsessions to take the time to realize what's really going on. It's a very sad picture, especially because it affests my son. My son.. The only person that I will ever really have and trust and love and all those things will be reciprocated.

In all honesty, life is getting hard. Real hard. I work 2 different shifts every week, I live an hour away from my job, I am a full time student, I am a wife, and most importantly I am a mother. All those things mixed together makes for difficulty times 3. But so far, it works. And I get by, and we get by. & I just keep trying to move forward.

This isn't the kind of post I would like to write, but it is the truth, and I don't like to sugar coat anything, especially for my own brain & the difficulty I have swallowing truths like this.

But I guess, where there's a will, there's a way..

I hope everyone who reads this had a Happy Thanksgiving. Despite all this, I did and am so thankful for all I have.